How to Prepare for Third Degrees: Paddle Dos and Don'ts

IT’S A MAGICAL TIME HERE AT OHIO UNIVERSITY. THE ALPHA-DELTA CHAPTER OF TAU BETA SIGMA HAS DOUBLED IN SIZE AFTER THIRD DEGREES. PADDLES WERE EXCHANGED, AND THERE WERE SOME GOODERS. TO CELEBRATE, LET’S LOOK AT SOME DECORATIONS OPTIONS YOU MAY WANT TO AVOID.

SPOILERS

IT’S CRUNCH TIME BABY! FINALS ARE APPROACHING; YOU’VE GOT STUDYING TO DO, AND CHANCES ARE, YOU’RE GONNA MISS YOUR SHOWS. DON’T WORRY THOUGH, BECAUSE YOU HAVE A SISTER LOOKING OUT FOR YOU. IT WILL BE A SPECIAL DAY INDEED: YOU OR YOUR LITTLE WILL BECOME AN OFFICIAL MEMBER, YOU’LL EXCHANGE PADDLES, AND YOU’LL FIND OUT MONICA PUSHES DAISES IN THE FINALE OF SEASON SEVEN, THE DIPLOMAT IS ASSASSINATED IN EPISODE TWENTY-TWO, ZOMBIE SASHA SKIPS AWAY WITH DEATH, BOJACK ATTEMPTS SUICIDE, AND WALTER WHITE IS GONNA DIE. MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU!

BROWSER HISTORY

IGNORANCE IS BLISS. FIRST, YOU TELL YOUR SISTER YOU’RE A ONCE-LING. YOU SHARE A LINK; THEY LOOK IT UP. OEDIPUS-STYLE EYE GOUGING OCCURS. SECOND, WRITE ON YOUR PADDLE HOW MANY TIMES YOU VISIT KHAN ACADEMY. YOU NOW HAVE PARENTS AND A BEST FRIEND DEMANDING YOU CHANGE MAJORS. “STOP TORTURING YOURSELF!” YOU DON’T COMPLY, STUBBORN OLD THING YOU. OH, AND JUST TRY TO WRITE “WHERE TO BUY HEMORRHOID CREAM” WITHOUT RAISING SOME EYEBROWS.

CHIPOTLE

PLEASE DON’T GORILLA GLUE A CHORIZO BURRITO WITH CILANTRO-LIME WHITE RICE, BLACK BEANS, FRESH TOMATO SALSA (MILD), SOUR CREAM, AND GUACAMOLE ONTO YOUR PADDLE. JUST… JUST DON’T.

A TOUCH OF KAPPA KAPPA PSI

NOW YOU’VE DONE IT. YOU’VE DONE GOOFED. THIS IS TAU BETA SIGMA; WE LEAVE NOTHING TO BEAVERS. LOOK AT THESE LETTERS HERE.

K - - - K - - - PSI

AND NOW, LOOK AT THESE LETTERS

T - - - B - - - S

YOU SOMEHOW MIXED THESE UP. DOES YOUR FATHER EVEN LOVE YOU?

ACTUALLY, DO WHATEVER YOU’D LIKE. THAT’S WHAT MAKES THE PADDLES SO SPECIAL!

 

MLITB,

Joey Caldwell

Chapter Member